it is such a wretched feeling... disappointment. even in my dreams i'm disappointed now. what am i suppose to do about this?

this all came up again due to this individual at work... do not talk to me. do not smile at me. do not talk to me. do not smile at me.

it stirs shit up.

i've made my life decisions... i'm not changing em... and if it means my dreams are over... then they are over... i'm fuckin fading away anyways... no one notices... because there is no one.

i have this horrible horrible trait of not actually being emotional over something until years later... approximately 3 years or so.... first time i felt the impact of how my life changed was when i was 20....

still, i'm not emotional even now... more evidence of the ever lasting destruction.

so after all the events and choices that lead up to december 2008, it haunts me still~ now March of 2012... so i was able to keep it at bay for more than 3 years... today i realize just how much it crippled me... all the ways... so many ways. the permanence of those changes and the inability to recover is now completely evident. i cannot state i regret... yet i hurt, its a dull ache which i live with and every so often become extremely aware of. i'm just a sad sad girl that's aging into a sad sad old woman.

i can't even muster up enough energy to utter a fuck you... it lacks vehemence and it sounds bitter and pathetic. instead... thank you.

Usually I succumb to different images I see in my dreams... the silly silly dreams... YET, this year I report so far I haven't been influences by them at all. While I persist to haunt myself I refrain from reaching out. The only effect would be to bring awareness to self inflicted wounds. Is there ever a point to that? Presently, I say no. My efforts would be for naught. I've learned that anything remotely having to do with me doesn't matter as I never matter. If I did matter wouldn't my life be different?

Oh well........

since yesterday i haven't been intersted in music much which is oddly bizarre since its been my fuel for the last decade. maybe i'm just finally reaching a point where i want to stop...?

how can i begin again? how do i begin again? is it even possible? there's thing i want and wanted and want and wanted... there's times when i want nothing at all.

this is lost. i'm lost finally? or have i been in denial all this time, just pushing foward and not allowing myself to be a witness to my own demise?

writing writing writing... and a million other things i want to do... but alas the only thing i can do... plug in the tunes and writing... mind travel and write, close my eyes and write, hold my breathe and write,... waiting and writing... a few weeks more and i'll decide... keyboards or piano?

Up to this point, no major changes... still letting music rule my life as i pursue my education... while i'm a single mother... and working blah blah....

i've taken up some new things such as drawing... so far so good for a beginning. I've made at least 3 solid friends... one who is super super super cool and definitely awesome.

please please someone tell me that a relationship doesn't become a period of waiting to be remembered...?

and i'll write~
you may break into my heart...
and find nothing there, nothing worthy
and find nothing there, beyond the illusion
you may break into and find...

woke up thinking about the Wheel of Time today. I found my books in the garage! I can't believe they are in the garage... its a symbol of what I've given up and I've taken my anger out of this wonderful series, a series that a one point engulfed so much of my life. Anyways... I was thinking of WoT and I was deeply saddened.

One of the most amazing things about carl is that he turned me on to some amazing tunes. i'm craving the musical expansion. i should get more information on xm radio for that expansion. bronzey said he has it in his vehicle, i wonder if i can get it anywhere or if it has to be in a vehicle. ah!

today was a truly wasted day